Christian, 23 – Overcoming Inadequacy

“Pretty much all I ever did growing up was play soccer. Well, I guess it’s a super big thing for me and my family because Micheal plays it, Melody plays it, the rest of us do.”

“My childhood growing up was, I guess it was a combination of a lot of things. Like a lot of really really good things, a lot of things that were kind of hard. Same with my brother, when I was around 5 years old, I was diagnosed with dyslexia too and had struggles learning all throughout the school in general. It got to the point where I was just being made fun of a lot, a lot of the teacher just kind of gave up on me just cause, I wasn’t really progressing fast as everyone else was progressing in general.”

“So it got to the point where my mom took me into homeschool and I was there for a while, which I honestly loved, just cause it was hanging out at home all the time.”

“I would say there has been a different number of trials that I’ve had in my life. But it’s always been a common theme throughout all of them. I guess just what the theme is to believe in myself.”

“Growing up, because I had dyslexia I was told all the time that I wasn’t really going to progress.  I wasn’t gonna become anybody. I was never going to be able to learn anything. I’d hear that from friends, my teachers. I guess just the hardest thing has been hearing that so much at a young age and having that carry over to the rest of my life because it’s always been a constant battle of really believing in myself and having a goal and achieving it. It’s a little bit different now because I’ve been able to achieve goals that I have, and I have other goals that I’m working on now. But it’s still a struggle, even today because, I guess get harder and hard to achieve. So I have to do more and more to get to them.”

“A couple other things that have been beneficial and negative.  So one of my really close friends passed away. What happened to him was, he was hit by a train on his way home from school. He was walking home from school and usually the shortcut he took, he would walk over the train tracks. I had actually spoken with him that day and it was just kind of like a normal interaction with him, like ‘how’s it going’ made a couple jokes and made plans for later that night. Then we turned and parted way because he was going to his class and I was going to soccer.  I remember that kind of like a thought or feeling went through my mind, like ‘ hey offer him a ride’.

“Usually I would stay at school much later than he would because I had soccer, but for some reason that day, we didn’t have practice so we were going to go home at the same time. So I turned around to offer him a ride but he’s already kind of far away and there was a huge crowd of people between us. I Was like ‘oh he is a big boy he’ll make it home’.” “That was definitely one of the harder things to pile on to what I’ve told my whole life, of how I’ll never do anything well and I’ll never be useful or helpful or anything. Obviously, this one had pretty drastic consequences in my opinion. Most people would say that was just a coincidence or an accident. But it definitely taught me a lesson that I’m never gonna forget if I can help a friend, just help him out. What if I could have offered him a ride, he would still be alive today.”

“I guess for a number of years it pushed me to the negative of how I’ll really won’t’ be able to do anything or I really can’t or I just mess up all the time. So that was something that I had to work through.”

“In terms of seeking help, I just never sought help for a number of years. One of the things that helped me was the gospel of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation, of knowing that I one day will be able to see him again and be able to be with him. That was definitely something that brought me a lot of peace. So that was a thing that pushed me toward going on a mission [serving 2 years for the LDS- church) too.I was able to take this experience in which I guess threw me into depression, through me into a lot of mix of emotions.

“It helped me to feel peace in my life. It helped me to feel okay with the decision that I made even though, in my opinion, it was the wrong decision. It helped me understand that Jesus will always make up for it. Jesus Christ can always make any situation to a good situation.

“Two things I would probably say is to believe in myself. So there’s a quote I really like, from actually Joseph Smith and it goes ‘If my life has no value to my friends, it has no value to me’. The way I take that to be is, friendships and the relationship we have are the most important things we can develop. I would definitely say to my younger self to develop those relationships. I had a very very strong and close relationship to my family but because my really close friend passing away, I really pushed a lot of people away, pushed a lot of friends. I completely closed myself off which is  not healthy to do and which is definitely not something that can help you progress in life.”

“Am I happy with where I am right now? I wouldn’t use the word happy mainly because I try to push myself further than I think possible so I’m never fully happy with myself. But I definitely am a lot happier where  I am right not than where I have been in the past. There are things that I still want to do…”

“I want to get a job working in the career I want, which is marketing. I want to prepare myself to start a family one day and to really be somebody who can be dependable. Like all my friends,  I want them to know that if there’s anything they ever need they can also come to me. I want to be the kind of person where when I’m in a relationship, whoever I’m with knows that they can trust me completely and that I’ll always be faithful to them. Whichever a struggle in their life I will do whatever I can to help. I want to start becoming the kind of person who can one day provide for a family.